This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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