so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
