Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Are my feet made of real feet?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.