I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.