i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT