mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
