i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
FUCK WHALES
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
