I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
