mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
