Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
