I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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