I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
