First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
