The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
