why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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