Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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