i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
