i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
