remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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