If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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