I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
