her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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