Ambien. No doubt about it.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
