I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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