I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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