my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
