i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
