if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
