life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
bring money and cleavage
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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