dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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