you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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