First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
