Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
