He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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