not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
