dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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