If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
