oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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