You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
