I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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