he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
