I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Someone signed my nipple.
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