I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This baby is an asshole
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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