Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
