I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
