Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
