The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she told me i tasted like america
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
