Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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