The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my sisters under your porch take her home
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
