i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
