go do what you do best...puke behind churches
there's paper in my vomit.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
