I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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