Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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