im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
organizing the empties. That sober.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
