Can Purell be used as lube?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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