I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
