I met the friendliest cop last night
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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